Retreat Homework

Day Three Shared Screens 

Here are some helpful questions to ask regarding growth VS safety:

Ideally what percentage of your time would you wish to spend alone
____.

what percentage of your time would you wish to spend with your partner ____.

Does your partner have similar needs and desires?

Have your needs and desires and those of your partner changed over time and, if so, how has this impacted your relationship?

How would you assess the health status of your relationship:

---growing closer and more intimate

__growing further apart

__in crisis

__in transition…(please elaborate)    

Here are some important mid- Life Crisis questions to ask:

Do you want to spend the next 20/30 years with your partner?

Are you and your partner growing apart or are you stuck in dysfunctional patterns that prevent both of you from growing?

Do you value the relationship and see enough potential there to seek help from a therapist?

What is your plan to renew the relationship and recommit to it?

If you feel that you have grown as much as you can grow together and your child rearing responsibilities have been completed, are you ready to leave the relationship or transition to a friendship?

Key Questions about Your Commitment

Are you willing to make your relationship with your partner the number 1 priority in your life?  Or are work, children or other commitments bigger priorities for you?

How do you think your partner would answer this question?
Ask them if you are not sure?

Are you able and willing to be faithful and monogamous?
What about your partner?  Ask them if you are not sure.

Can you place the needs and desires of your partner on an equal footing with your own?  

Developing a Shared Vision

Do you have a shared vision of where you are now in your relationship and where you want to go?

If so, please draft shared vision statement together and specify the commitment or re-commitment you are making to each other.

Things to consider in drafting your vision statement:

Form of the Relationship You Choose

Living Together 

·        plan for Me Time

Living Separately

·        Plan for We Time

Does you plan include having children together or living with the children you have?  

What special arrangements are required for the care of the children?   Are both of you taking equal responsibility for child care or is there another agreement.

Remember: Just as having a relationship increases the intensity of your spiritual practice, having children multiplies the intensity and brings many more triggers and challenges.

Exercise 1, Day 3

Groundrules for Creating an Ecstatic Relationship

The following ground rules will help you to create and sustain an ecstatic relationship with a life partner.

1. Love yourself unconditionally

2. Establish clear boundaries with others

3. Use the triggers in your relationship as opportunities to heal your core wounds and beliefs.

4. Be ready for intimacy. take the time to grieve the ending of previous relationships and to heal your patterns of self-betrayal.

5. Make the relationship your number one priority.

6. Don’t be in a hurry. Take your time and be patient.

7. Surrender the romantic ideal.

8. Develop a shared vision.

9. Consider your partner’s needs and experiences as equal to and as important as your own.

10. Be monogamous and trustworthy.

11. Avoid blaming or shaming your partner.

12. Give the relationship the time and attention it needs.

Underline the groundrules you need to work on.

Exercise 2, Day3

Four Important Questions to Ask Yourself When going into a New Relationship or re-committing to an Existing One

1. Do I really want it? Am I willing to make the relationship the number one priority in my life?

2.Am I ready? Have I sufficiently healed the traumas of my childhood and previous relationships? Am I ready to let the past go?

3.Am I willing? Am I willing to show up for the relationship and give it the time and attention that it needs to flourish?

4.Am I able? Have I learned to own my fears and hold them with compassion, instead of projecting them on my partner?   

Exercise 3, Day 3 

Rate your current relationship by assigning a number from one to ten (1-10) to each of the above categories. Give a 1 for the least degree of connection and a 10 for the highest degree of connection.

• Spiritual Connection: You share and/or fully respect/support each other’s unique path of healing and connection to the divine.
• Mental Connection: You share and/or fully respect/support each other’s interests, values and gifts of creative expression. You are able to communicate honestly and respectfully.
• Emotional Connection: You trust each other. You feel accepted, heard and supported by each other. Your hearts are open to each other. You feel grateful for each other and value what you share.
• Physical Connection: You feel attracted to each other and are affectionate in a way that feels good to both of you. You feel safe and secure living together. Your sexual relationship works for both of you.
• Overall Commitment: You feel the relationship works and meets your needs.

Then add up all the numbers. The highest score your relationship could have would be a 50. The Lowest score would be a 5. If you are brave, ask your partner to rate the relationship too and compare notes.   See more information about interpreting the results in the Homework section.

Interpreting the Results

     If you both rate your relationship between 40-50, then you are fortunate and blessed that you and your partner support each other in your journey to awaken, heal and step into your power and purpose. If you rate your relationship between 30-40, then it is still likely that your relationship be an asset and a support for both of you, provided that you are both committed to working together to increase intimacy, communication, and mutual respect.
     On the other hand, if you rated your relationship between 20-30, then it is probably time for you and your partner to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk. You need to discover whether you have a common vision and are both fully committed to the relationship. You must each begin to ask the question: “Does the relationship provide a vehicle in which I can honor and express my True Self, or does it limit me from expressing myself authentically?”
     This conversation is a necessary one for most couples who have been together for 20 or 30 years. You may have fulfilled your parenting and child-rearing responsibilities together, but that does not necessarily mean that you want to spend another 20 or 30 years together. You and your partner will need to determine if staying together enables both of you to grow and come into your power or if it just reinforces your patterns of self-betrayal.
     If you rated your relationship below 20, then it is pretty clear that you don’t feel that it supports you in your process of healing and empowerment. You may have to face the possibility that completing your relationship is an important ingredient in relinquishing your patterns of self-betrayal. If this is true for you, it is probably true for you partner too.

To have freedom, I must be wiling to take responsibility
to say yes to what honors me
and to say no to what does not.

And if I make a mistake, to admit my error
and make a different choice.

Day 2 Screens

Day 2 Screens Exercise 1

Day 2 Considering your present relationship or an important relationship in the past, ask yourself these questions:

• Is one person dominant and in control? You or your partner? •

Is one person giving their power away and allowing the other person to make the decisions? You or your partner?

• Is one person a caretaker? Is that you or your partner?

• Is there any abuse or violence in the relationship? If so, are you the victim or the victimizer?

• Is one person depressed, suicidal or emotionally shut down? Is that you or your partner?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then your relationship needs immediate attention and may require therapeutic intervention if you and your partner are unable to make the changes that are necessary to create or restore balance.

Here are other warning signs that you should be aware of:

• you frequently blame and shame each other

• you often judge or criticize each other

• you constantly fight and do not make up

• you give your power or responsibility away to the other person

• there are patterns of emotional, physical or sexual abuse

. • you can’t establish healthy boundaries with your partner

• you feel responsible for your partner’s pain or lack of love

Does your relationship exhibit any of these warning signs? Check the ones that apply. Add any others you perceive.

Skills you must cultivate to be successful in relationship

1. Master the crash course in boundaries. Take responsibility for everything you think, feel, say and do and ask your partner to do the same. Mutual projections, shaming and blaming will destroy the relationship.

2. Learn to turn down the temperature when you and/or your partner is triggered. Call time out. Allow each other time and Space to get In touch with feelings and take appropriate responsibility before revisiting the triggering incident.

3. Acknowledge your feelings and share from the heart without blaming the other person.

4. Listen from your heart to the other person. Do not interrupt, analyze or judge what the other person is saying.

5. Let the honest communication sink in and do its part to clear away obstacles. Give it time. Do not put pressure on each other. If decisions need to be made, wait until you are both ready to make them.

6. Keep your heart open to your partner. 7. If you have difficulty hearing each other, consider going to a counselor who can hold a neutral space for both of you.

Day 1 Screens

The cycle of betrayal/abuse

·        To the extent that my parents do not love and care for themselves and each other, they will not be able to love and care for me. 

·        If I am not loved and cared for by my parents, I don’t learn to care for myself. · 
If I cannot care for myself, I cannot care for you or for our children. 

·        And on and on it goes.

Journaling Questions

·        Did mommy and daddy love and accept themselves and each other?  If not what was their love and acceptance deficit?  

·        In what ways were they unable or unwilling to love and accept me? 

·        How have I internalized that? 

·        What is my love and acceptance deficit? 

·        How has this deficit impacted my marriage or primary relationships? 

·        How have I passed this on to my children? 

Exercise 1

Unless we are committed to our own healing it is unlikely if not impossible that we can be committed to healing with any of our loved ones.

So what does that commitment look like?

·        Understanding our Wounds and working to heal them.

·        Moving out of victim consciousness

·        Giving Up Shame and Blame

·        Taking Responsibility for our Thoughts, Feelings Words and

Actions and not trying to give this responsibility to someone else

·        Admitting our Mistakes/Triggers and asking for forgiveness

·        Forgiving others when they do the same

·        Not giving up our power or allowing ourselves to be controlled

·        Not controlling others or usurping their power to decide for themselves.

·        Not taking on responsibility that does not belong to us (caretaking) or asking others to be responsible for (Take care) of us

·        Learning to be gentle with ourselves. 

·        Taking the Pressure Off.

Plan of Action for Self Healing

Please read the above areas of commitment and rank them in order of relevance for you. Choose  The top three to focus on

Exercise 2

Self Healing also involves making a commitment to take care of yourself

·        Physically (diet, exercise, overcoming addictions

 and other forms of self abuse  

·        Mentally – learning new things, improving your knowledge and skills

·        Emotionally – finding balance, setting healthy boundaries, cultivating friendship and intimacy

·        Spiritually – developing compassion for self and others, living your life according to your values. Making time for reflection,
meditation, prayer, walking in nature, etc

When we do not take care of ourselves we cannot bring our “best game” to any relationship and we can become needy and dependent on others to take care of us or we become aloof and emotionally shut down/unresponsive to others.

In what areas of life do you need to take better care of yourself and you health and well being?  

Exercise 3 

Take a moment to write your own commitment statement.

Here is an example:

I recognize that  I tend to isolate and work far too much.  That gives me an escape from my partner’s demands for intimacy which I am unable to meet.  I neglect my own needs.  I am not growing or becoming stronger as a person.  I am avoiding my pain and not facing the fact that I am not very happy in my relationship.  pain and my partner.  
I commit to working less, taking better care of myself physically, and beginning to share with my partner how I really feel about our relationship.

______________________________________

Reading Assignment

The following information and exercises can be processed on your own time before, during, or even after, the retreat. Click here to Return to Instructions Page.

Moving Toward Equality and Mutual Respect

In an empowered relationship people are equals. Each person pulls her own weight and takes responsibility for loving and supporting herself. No one is saving the other, fixing the other, deciding for or controlling the other.
     When you move into Phase Three of this transformational process you are leaving behind co-dependent relationships in which both people give their power away and cultivating positive relationships based on equality and mutual trust. You are no longer showing up as either a victim or victimizer. You have substantially ended the chain of abuse and the patterns of self-betrayal in your life,
     That means that you are no longer living to please, take care of, or control someone else, nor are you living to be taken care of, controlled or dominated by another person. You are not accepting any one else’s authority over you, nor are claiming to be an authority for anyone else.
     You understand and practice good boundaries in your relationships. You know what your responsibility is and isn’t and what the other person’s responsibility is and isn’t. You use my Crash Course in Boundaries (see info below) as a regular practice, taking responsibility for what you think, feel, say and do, and allowing others to take responsibility for their thoughts, feelings, words and actions. (See my book The Keys to the Kingdom for this and other important spiritual practices that can keep you and
your partnership on track).
     This isn’t to say that you do this perfectly. You don’t. You make mistakes and so does your partner. But you are both committed to acknowledging your mistakes and learning from them. That means that you do not need to be right all the time or to constantly make your partner wrong. You know that sometimes you see things more clearly than your partner does and sometimes s/he is more clear than you are. You don’t compete to be “better than” the other and you don’t accept the idea that you are “less than.” While feelings of inferiority may come up for both of you, you don’t buy into them. You see that such feelings are bringing up something in you that needs to be accepted, forgiven and healed. You see that the little girl or boy in you is not feeling loved and you learn to bring love to him or her when s/he needs it.
     You understand that your number one responsibility is to love and honor yourself and you do not try to make your partner responsible for loving you and making you happy. You understand that happiness comes from the inside. It comes from developing a loving relationship with yourself and that is an ongoing process in your life. Each day you are learning to show up for yourself in a more loving and compassionate way.
     While you love and cherish your partner, you understand that your partner must take responsibility for loving and honoring self. You cannot take that responsibility on without becoming co-dependent and sabotaging the relationship. So you learn to stand back and give your partner the time and space to work out any issues of self worth that are arising. You know that it is your partner’s responsibility to be the bringer of love to his or her own experience.
     In spite of all this, there are times when you trespass on each other. You project your fear and shame. You try to blame the other person. It is always painful when this happens because the trust between you can be undermined if you are not successful in forgiving each other and making amends.
     Your greatest commitment therefore is and must continue to be to forgive your partner and yourself for your mutual trespasses. To do so you must find a way to listen compassionately to the cries of your little child and your partner’s little child.
You must feel the pain of the child and work to soothe it and hold the space for healing and acceptance.
     Your ability to show up for your partner’s little kid is based on your ability to show up for your own. So you learn to take the time your child needs to feel accepted and loved by you, so that your little child will not be jealous of and competitive with your
partner’s little child.
     You understand that two hurt little children cannot love each other. A loving adult is needed. Sometimes that will be you showing up to hold the space of love and acceptance when your partner is triggered. Sometimes it will be your partner holding the space for you. It needs to be a two way street. You must both learn to play the role of peacemaker. Otherwise, the triggers will escalate and neither one of you will feel safe in the relationship.

Two Types of Empowered Relationships

There are two types of empowered relationships. One is “separate but equal” and the other is “shared intimacy.” In the first type of relationship partners need a lot of personal space. Often, they do not live together. Or, if they do, they have clear boundaries that create identifiable personal space for each person. In the second type of relationship there is a lot of time for sharing and intimacy. People live together, travel together and share most aspects of their lives.
     The danger of the first type of relationship is that there will be a lack of intimacy and cohesion. People may feel distant from and unsupported by their partners. The danger of the second type of relationship is that it may become complacent and
routine. The partners may take each other for granted and the energy between them may become stale.  The antidote in the first case is “time together.” The antidote in the second case is “time apart.”
     Some relationships thrive when partners spend a lot of time together and share many interests. Others thrive when each person has plenty of time to do his or her own thing. It is helpful if you know what type of relationship works for you. In order for intimacy and interest to be sustained, partners must find a balance between time alone and time together. Each person must feel supported in pursuing interests not shared by the other person. On the other hand, consistent time must be devoted to sharing and communicating with each other. Each couple must work out these dynamics.
     Sometimes people are not well matched in terms of the kind of relationship they need. If one person needs a lot of intimacy and the other person is afraid of this and requires a lot of alone time, the needs of both people are not going to be met. For long term success, it is helpful to be with a partner who shares your general idea of how much intimacy or alone time is needed.
     People who have individuated early in life may not require a great deal of time away from their partners. They are happy to engage, to create a shared space, and a “we” consciousness. This takes them both deeper in their surrender to intimacy and love. However, when one or both partner(s) needs time to individuate, a “separate but equal” relationship can support them in their personal growth. Such a relationship can be a life-style choice or it can be a step on the way toward greater intimacy with each other or with future partners.

Moving Beyond Romance into a Full Chakra Union

A successful partnership is grounded and realistic. It does not ask too much or too little from the individuals. Each partner has surrendered the romantic ideal, accepts the other as s/he is and shows up consistently for him or her. Moreover, each person is willing to accept and work through the challenges the relationship brings. There is a solid commitment from both people.
     For a partnership to be complete, there must be a sustainable passion in the relationship. Both people must be attracted to each other and desire each other’s company. All of the chakras must be engaged.  Full-chakra relationships involve connection and a positive exchange of energies in all of the areas listed below.

• Spiritual Connection: You share and/or fully respect/support each other’s unique path of healing and connection to the divine.
• Mental Connection: You share and/or fully respect/support each other’s interests, values and gifts of creative expression. You are able to communicate honestly and respectfully.
• Emotional Connection: You trust each other. You feel accepted, heard and supported by each other. Your hearts are open to each other. You feel grateful for each other and value what you share.
• Physical Connection: You feel attracted to each other and are affectionate in a way that feels good to both of you. You feel safe and secure living together. Your sexual relationship works for both of you.
• Overall Commitment: You feel the relationship works and meets your needs.

Rating the Quality of Your Relationship

You might find it helpful to rate your current relationship by assigning a number from one to ten (1-10) to each of the above categories. Give a 1 for the least degree of connection and a 10 for the highest degree of connection. Then add up all the
numbers. The highest score your relationship could have would be a 50. The Lowest score would be a 5. If you are brave, ask your partner to rate the relationship too and compare notes.
     If you both rate your relationship between 40-50, then you are fortunate and blessed that you and your partner support each other in your journey to awaken, heal and step into your power and purpose. If you rate your relationship between 30-40, then it is still likely that your relationship be an asset and a support for both of you, provided that you are both committed to working together to increase intimacy, communication, and mutual respect.
     On the other hand, if you rated your relationship between 20-30, then it is probably time for you and your partner to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk. You need to discover whether you have a common vision and are both fully committed to the relationship. You must each begin to ask the question: “Does the relationship provide a vehicle in which I can honor and express my True Self, or does it limit me from expressing myself authentically?”
     This conversation is a necessary one for most couples who have been together for 20 or 30 years. You may have fulfilled your parenting and child-rearing responsibilities together, but that does not necessarily mean that you want to spend another 20 or 30 years together. You and your partner will need to determine if staying together enables both of you to grow and come into your power or if it just reinforces your patterns of self-betrayal.
     If you rated your relationship below 20, then it is pretty clear that you don’t feel that it supports you in your process of healing and empowerment. You may have to face the possibility that completing your relationship is an important ingredient in relinquishing your patterns of self-betrayal. If this is true for you, it is probably true for you partner too.
     Regardless of what you decide, be aware that a relationship cannot be repaired or transformed unless both partners are willing to do things differently. Old patterns are often firmly entrenched and new patterns are not easy to establish.
     The True Self cannot be born until the False Self is relinquished. Healthy relationships cannot be born until co-dependent relationships fall apart. Only the most committed and courageous couples can preside over the death of their unhealthy relationships and then re-create their relationship in a healthy way. However, if the desire is mutual and strong enough, nothing is impossible.

Warning Signs

There is always the possibility that you and your partner may come together to create an equal, mutually empowered relationship and find that you trigger each other in spades. Instead of being the crowning jewel of your life, the relationship becomes the biggest lesson both of you have had. If this happens, don’t feel like a failure. Just get some help. Old patterns of self-betrayal and the wounds behind them sometimes rise up with a vengeance, even after you have done a good deal of healing work.
     Below are some of the warning signs you need to be aware of. They indicate that your relationship is off course and may even be unhealthy.

• you frequently blame and shame each other

• you give your power or responsibility away to the other person

• you need to control your partner or make decisions for him/her

• the relationship reinforces patterns of emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

• you can’t establish healthy boundaries with your partner

• you feel responsible for your partner’s pain or lack of love

• you become a victim or a caretaker

• you often need to be right or make your partner wrong

• you are trying to save or redeem your partner

• you can’t bring love to your child or your partner’s child

If one or more of these warning signs are present in your relationship, it may be time to get some help from a trained couples counselor or therapist. It would also be helpful if you would begin to practice The Affinity Process with your partner at least two or three times a week.
     If you are in an unhealthy relationship, it is your responsibility to set clear limits with your partner or get out of the relationship. No one else can take that responsibility for you. But don’t hesitate to get help if you need it. Before making a decision about whether to leave or stay in a relationship, please consider the following factors:

• transforming a relationship from a co-dependent one to an empowered one requires that both people are willing to change, and therapeutic assistance (marriage/couples counseling) is often necessary.

• when leaving a co-dependent relationship try to understand and heal the patterns of self-betrayal/victimhood that brought you into the relationship.

• don’t stay in the relationship and suffer.

• don’t leave in anger and blame.

• treat your partner with respect, kindness and compassion

• be responsible for the choices you make.

• don’t try to be responsible for the choices your partner makes

• avoid giving or receiving artificial guilt.

• practice forgiveness of yourself and your partner.

Practicing Forgiveness with Your Partner

Forgiveness is the most important transformational process you and your partner engage in. Practice it on a daily basis. Learn to forgive trespasses and to take responsibility for correcting them. Do this earnestly and consistently or your relationship will shipwreck in the first storm.
     When you practice forgiveness, hold yourself and your partner gently. Learn to be flexible and resilient. Admit and apologize for your mistakes. Know that you don’t have to be right to be happy. See that you can be wrong and still be loved and so can your partner.
     Unless abuse is present, do not be too quick to leave a relationship that needs work. Take the time to own your mistakes and to begin to model for your partner the change you are asking from him/her.
     Realize that no one is perfect. Not you or your partner. Don’t crucify each other. Understand that everyone does the best that s/he can with the consciousness s/he has in the moment. When you learn from your mistakes, you raise your consciousness, and you are less likely to make the same mistake again.
     Real forgiveness requires the awareness that you can’t change the past. However, you can create a different outcome in the future. So don’t waste your time on shame and blame. Ask instead “How can we make this work better in the future?”
     The Serenity Prayer helps you to practice forgiveness. It is a great tool that you would do well to use on a daily basis. Each day and throughout the day take responsibility for what you think, feel, say and do, and ask your partner to do the same. When you are triggered, don’t react to the other person. Look inside and see what hidden hurt or belief is coming up for healing. Use your relationship as a mirror to deepen your understanding of yourself.
     When your partner projects onto you, forgive the trespass. When you project on your partner, ask for forgiveness. At least twice this week, when your partner triggers you, ask for an Affinity Process space to share what is coming up for you. Follow the Affinity Guidelines and be sure to own your stuff. Make “I” Statements, not “You” Statements. Do not blame your partner or seek to make him or her responsible for how you are feeling. Make it be about you. Let your partner know what wound has been triggered in you and what false belief about yourself you are being asked to look at. Make it clear that no feedback is necessary. Seek only to be witnessed in a loving and compassionate way. Offer to hold the same space for your partner.
     Be patient with each other. It takes a while to learn to use this process. The more you do it, the better you will get at adhering to the Affinity Guidelines and the safer you will feel communicating honestly with each other.

Eleven Groundrules for Creating an Ecstatic Relationship

The following ground rules will help you to create and sustain an ecstatic relationship with a life partner.

1. Love yourself unconditionally and learn to be the bringer of love to your own experience moment to moment. Don’t depend on others to love you.

2. Establish clear boundaries with others and use the triggers in your relationship as opportunities to continue to heal your core wounds and beliefs.

3. Be ready for intimacy. Before entering a new relationship, take the time to grieve the ending of previous relationships and to heal some of your patterns of self-betrayal.

4. Be sure you really want this relationship. If so, make the relationship your number one priority. Many people say that they do this, but they are just kidding themselves. So ask yourself: “Is work my priority, or children, or caring for my parents?” Be
honest. Don’t set yourself up for failure. If your relationship is going to take a back seat to these other commitments, it isn’t going to lead to the level of intimacy we are talking about here. Better to set a more realistic goal.

5. Don’t be in a hurry. Take your time and be patient. You have to trust the healing process and know that when you have connected sufficiently to your Core Self, you will attract a partner who helps you grow and take the next step on your journey.

6. Surrender the romantic ideal. If you want to attract your soul mate, you need to be realistic and know that s/he will bring up every little unworthiness and self-doubt you have so that you can heal and step into your power and purpose. Seeking your soul
mate is unwise if you are looking for an easy relationship that does not challenge your ego structure.

7. Develop a shared vision. Be sure you have similar goals for the relationship and agree on the process you will use to reach them.

8. Consider your partner’s needs and experiences as equal to and as important as your own. Many people think they do this, but few really do. This is one of the challenging disciplines of committed relationship.

9. Be monogamous. While it is not impossible to create a full-chakra embrace with more than one person, it is extremely unlikely and unwise to try. On the other hand, each person must be true to him or herself. In the event that you try to be intimate
with more than one partner, honesty and full disclosure are necessary.

10. Avoid blaming or shaming your partner. All attempts to shame or blame are fear driven and will destroy the trust that you have for each other. A successful relationship can be built only through your love and acceptance of each other.

11. Give the relationship the time and attention it needs. An ecstatic relationship requires heart-to-heart communication every day. It requires having fun and celebrating, and it requires honesty and soul searching.

Four Important Questions to Ask Yourself

A great relationship is a work of art. It is made, not born. You work on creating it moment to moment every day of your lives. To create an ecstatic relationship, ask yourself the following four key questions:

• Do I really want it? Am I willing to make the relationship the number one priority in my life?

• Am I ready? Have I sufficiently healed the traumas of my childhood and previous relationships? Am I ready to let the past go?

• Am I willing? Am I willing to show up for the relationship and give it the time and attention that it needs to flourish?

• Am I able? Have I learned to own my fears and hold them with compassion, instead of projecting them on my partner? Am I able to communicate honestly and keep my heart and mind open?

More Helpful Questions

• Are there patterns of physical, sexual or emotional abuse still operating in any of your relationships?

• Are you giving your power away to, or making decisions for your partner or any other significant person in your life?

• If your relationship has in the past been co-dependent has it shifted so that each person is taking responsibility for his or her own life?

• Do you feel that you are equal to your partner and the other significant people in your life or do you still feel “less than” or “more than” any of these people?

• Do you own your mistakes and try to learn from them. Or do you need to be right and make your partner (or other significant people in your life) wrong?

• To what extent do you and your partner trigger each other? What childhood wounds and beliefs are triggered?

• When you are triggered, do you take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings or do you blame/shame/criticize your partner?

• If you and your partner have communication or intimacy issues, how are you working through them? Are you receiving help from a therapist or counselor? If not, why not?

• Are you harboring old resentments in your relationship or have you and your partner been able and willing to let the past go and establish new patterns of trust, respect, and honest, non-blaming communication?

• Are you and your partner giving your relationship the time and attention it needs to flourish or are you both stressed out and unable to find a consistent time to connect?

• All successful relationships require that you have learned to own your fear and your shame and hold them with compassion, instead of projecting them onto others. Have you learned to do this or are you projecting your fear and shame onto your partner, your children, your co-workers or significant people in your life?

Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Most people do not want to take responsibility because they don’t want to be blamed or criticized. But without responsibility there is no power to create. Powerlessness and lack of responsibility go hand in hand.
     Perhaps it is more accurate to say that people find it easy to accept responsibility for the things that they do well that are appreciated by others but have difficulty accepting responsibility for their mistakes. The truth is, however, that we all make mistakes, lots of them. Most of life is a process of learning from our mistakes — not a process of avoiding them. If we do not acknowledge our errors and learn from them, we live in denial.
    In any relationship, it is essential for both people to admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness.  If you and your partner expect each other to be perfect -- to always understand each other and meet each other's needs -- you are expecting way too much.  Success in your relationship is not possible unless you can accept the other person's weaknesses and imperfections, as well as your own. 
     Relationships require courage and patience from both people.  Challenges must be accepted and obstacles overcome.  Both people must be committed to a process of communicating and working things out, day by day, one moment at a time.  As in all other areas of life, skills are built in the face of adversity.

The Crash Course in Boundaries

For many years I have given my students this important key to their awakening. It is just one sentence, but that sentence is powerful and it will change your life. That sentence is
     “Everything that I think, feel, say and do belongs to me and everything that you think, feel, say and do belongs to you.” I call this The Crash Course in Boundaries.
     The Crash Course is a profound tool on the spiritual path because it tells you exactly where your responsibility lies and where it doesn’t. You are responsible for everything you feel and everything you believe to be true. You are responsible for
the words that you say and the things that you do. No one else is responsible for any of it.
     Someone may push your buttons and you may respond in anger. But that person is not responsible for your angry words or actions, you are. It doesn’t matter who you think made you mad or sad. It is your belief. It is your anger or sadness. It all belongs to you.
     Of course the same is true in reverse. If you trigger anger or sadness in others, that anger or sadness belongs to them, not to you. The responsibility for their thoughts and feelings, words and actions belongs them and to them alone.
     The point here is that each one of us chooses what to think, what to feel, what to say and what to do. Of course, when our reactive patterns take charge it may not seem like we have a choice, but we do. The choice is simply made on an unconscious level.
     Our job is to understand that because we have a choice we also have a responsibility for the choices that we make. Unconscious choices create suffering for us and for others. So we need to become aware of the reactive, unconscious choices that we are making and of the consequences of those choices. If we don’t like the results we are getting, then we have to go back and identify the wound driven behavior behind the choice. Then we can see the wound that needs to heal and the belief that needs to change.
     As we consciously bring healing to the wound and change our false, dysfunctional beliefs, our unconscious, wound-driven choices diminish and we find that we are able to make choices more consciously. The more awareness we bring, the better our choices are and the more we like the results. Our thoughts are more positive, our feelings are more harmonious, our words are kinder and our deeds are more powerful.
     All this happens because we are willing to bring awareness to every thought, every feeling, every word that we speak and every action that we take. We bring this awareness as our moment to moment spiritual practice, knowing that we are ultimately responsible for all of the contents of our consciousness. We do this not to find fault with ourselves but to be vigilant and aware of our creative power, knowing that what we believe about ourselves and others will tend to out-picture in our lives in one way or another.
     Each one of us is a creator and as such we are responsible for our creations. That responsibility will be there whether we create consciously or unconsciously. Some people call the creative power when it operates unconsciously Karma. It really
doesn’t matter what you call it. The bigger the unconscious net you knit the greater the chance you will get caught in it.
     So knit carefully. Knit consciously. Take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, words and actions. Your experience belongs to you. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it belongs to anyone else. You are the architect and the builder. You are the judge and the jury.
     The converse is also true. Others are responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, words and actions. You are not responsible for the creations of others. Don’t take on a false responsibility that does not belong to you. Let others be responsible for their own experiences.

Moving Beyond Shame and Blame

The quickest way for you to cross boundaries and trespass against others is to try to make them responsible for your thoughts, feelings, words, or actions. You do this by telling them “It’s your fault that I got angry” or “You made me angry.”
     That is not true and it will never be true. Because they trigger your anger, does not make them responsible for it. You retain that responsibility, no matter how much they provoke you.
     You have a choice how you will respond to them. If you don’t take it personally, if you know “it’s their stuff,” you can let it roll off your shoulders. You don’t’ take it on. You don’t get stuck in their thoughts and feelings. You don’t get triggered by their words and actions. You know that their thoughts, feelings, words and actions belong to them, not to you. Because you don’t get triggered, you don’t respond unconsciously. You don’t attack back verbally or physically. You don’t shut down emotionally, but you do detach. You let them have their own experience and you try not to judge them. You know that everybody gets triggered. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has a bad day once in a while. You don’t take it personally.
     You take people off the hook. You take yourself off the hook. You don’t feel responsible for their stuff or try to make them responsible for yours.
     That is how you move out of shame and blame. You stop victimizing others or playing the role of a victim. You know that everyone has a choice. Everyone can get off the wheel of suffering. They simply have to take responsibility for their own experience.
     Shaming and blaming others only deepens your own pain. Choose not to do it. Give up the idea that anyone else is responsible for your happiness or lack of it. Take full responsibility. Let others know “I can be happy with myself even when you are unhappy with me. Your happiness is not my responsibility and I won’t take it on.”
     Tell them also “You aren’t responsible for my pain, my joy, my happiness or lack of it. I refuse to blame you or shame you for any condition I encounter, because I know I always have a choice. I choose my pain. I choose my joy. You cannot choose for me. Therefore my choice can never be your responsibility.”
     The Crash Course in Boundaries helps you refrain from trespassing on others or allowing others to trespass on you. It establishes appropriate responsibility and true equality. It helps you to give up shame and blame of yourself and others.

Working with the Transformational Question

The transformational question here is “Am I owning my thoughts, feelings, words and actions.” Am I taking responsibility for my own experience or trying to give the responsibility to you? Am I allowing you to take responsibility for your own experience or am I accepting inappropriate responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, words or actions?”
     The transformational question helps you identify trespass (crossing of healthy boundaries) when it occurs or is about to occur. It is a compass that tells you where you are and helps you figure out how to get to where you want to go.
     On the journey, true north is always the place where there is no shame or blame, no trespass on self or other. When you are blaming or shaming others, you need to become aware of it and stop. That is your responsibility. When others are blaming or shaming you, you need to make them aware of it and ask them to stop.
     Tell others, “Let’s not shame and blame each other. Let’s each own what belongs to us. Let’s take responsibility for what we are creating right here and now.”
     Tell yourself “I am here to wake up and take responsibility for my experience. Shaming and blaming others is co-dependent and leads to mutual victimization. I cannot empower myself by blaming or shaming someone else.”
     Acknowledge the times when you forget The Crash Course in Boundaries and trespass upon others. See your mistakes, own them, and learn from them. Vow to correct your errors and ask for forgiveness for your trespasses. Practice the Lord’s
Prayer. Forgive the trespasses of others against you and ask them to forgive your trespasses against them.
     Jesus did not give us this prayer so that it would remain inside a holy book. He gave it to us to be a practical tool that we could use in our daily lives.
     Whenever you find there are angry or hurt feelings inside another or inside yourself, ask the transformational question. “Am I owning my stuff or am I trying to make someone else responsible for my experience?” and the converse: “Is the other person owning her stuff or trying to make me responsible for it?”
     Use the transformational question to bring awareness of the trespass and bring the correction that is needed. Don’t use it to beat up yourself or someone else. When you become aware of trespass, don’t shame or blame. Just stop. Stopping is enough.
     If you are brave, acknowledge that you were inappropriate or out of order. Say “I see that I tried to make this about you,
but I now know that it is about me only. This is my stuff, not yours. Please forgive me if you can.”
     That way you reclaim the truth. You re-establish healthy boundaries. You regain trust and mutual respect. You restore
acceptance. You re-establish the law of love as the operative power in your life.

Important Things to Remember

• Without responsibility there is no power to create. You might think it is no big deal to admit your mistakes and learn from them. But it is a very big deal. For most of us. It is a defining moment.

• You are responsible for everything you feel and everything you believe to be true. You are responsible for the words that you say and the things that you do. No one else is responsible for any of it.
  

• Shaming and blaming others only deepens your own pain.
  Choose not to do it. Give up the idea that anyone else is responsible for your happiness or lack of it.
  

• Others are responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, words and actions. You are not responsible for the creations of others. Don’t take on a false responsibility. Let others be responsible for their own experiences.

Click here to Return to Instructions Page.